Contact: Alexus Rhone

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I wanted some attention, so I hooked up with the 'ho clique'. I thought I could handle it.

But I grossly miscalculated the costs. As I face the consequences, I’m hopeful brighter

days lie ahead.

Here is my story.

One day my daddy came home and loved my mama with harsh words and

As mama searched for a parking space, I caught a glimpse of our Savior leaning

over the balcony smoking a cigarette. Carefree was her first, middle and last name. We

called her Aunt Sis, or Auntie for short.

"Hey!" she yelled wildly waving her arms like we hadn’t seen her before now.

Her strong, throaty voice caught a group of passing teenage boys off guard.

"Damn, she loud."

Mama lightly tooted the horn. "Tre, grab your things. Ned, wake up, boo."

Auntie came downstairs dangling the cigarette between her lips.

"Hey, lil’ mama." I rushed toward her and fell in her arms. Finally, a secure

place.

"Hey, man." Auntie reached for Ned’s chin and kissed his forehead while I

continued to cling to her for dear life.

"Mmm," he mumbled, rubbing away just enough sleep to see his way clear to the

stairs.

"Hey," mama said.

"You all right?" Auntie spoke softly.

"I am now." They embraced briefly. Melodrama wasn’t their style.

After we carried our luggage upstairs, I joined Ned in Auntie’s spare room.

Mama placed an ice pack on my forehead.

"Go to sleep." Her swollen, busted lips hindered the usual flawless annunciation

of her words.

"But I’m not sleepy, mama."

"You will be. Just close your eyes and lay down."

"Please let me stay up and take care of you, mama. I don’t want you hurt any

more."

"Shhh…I’m okay. We’re okay now. Don’t worry about anything." I studied her

eyes for reassurance, trying to look past the puffy, black and blue areas surrounding both

of them.

"Can you see your way to the door? If not, I can help." The red slits between her

eyelashes that use to be big, brown, clear eyes couldn’t have offered enough space for her

to see.

Exasperated, she placed a finger in front of her mouth.

" ‘night, Tre." She kissed Ned and me and left the room, closing the door behind her.

I sat in bed debating whether to disobey mama and go to the hallway where I

could hear better. My heart finally settled when Auntie laughed and mama joined in.

Their giggles were a lullaby to me. Only then was I sure she was okay.

We stayed with Aunt Sis’ for about two weeks before moving into Foxwood, a

neighboring complex.

On the first day in our new home, I stood under the breezeway looking out

wondering what circumstances led my new neighbors to South Park before me.

Hundreds of kids and women. Three men.

No invitation came from the girls to play jacks or hopscotch. The boys on bikes

ignored me, too. So, I hung out alone praying for the day when the kids in the square

would enjoy the pleasure of my company.

The Village could hardly be described as "project living". I mean, we had it a

heck of a lot better than James, Florida, JJ, Thelma and Michael. We took cover from the

blistering Texas heat under medium-sized elm trees. We swung and seesawed in

complex parks. Swimming pools accommodated the least advanced to the most

advanced swim skills. Lighted tennis courts provided us a smooth surface for skating.

Each home, I think, served three meals a day. All the kids wore decent clothes and shoes.

And for this we thank our mothers, women who effectively handled the affairs of our

households in the absence of men.

Each of the twelve sections in Foxwood formed a square. The enclosed sections

created a play area for everyone in that square. It was hard to pass through without being

noticed.

I would eventually grow to hate all of the eyewitnesses.

"Quit hogging the ball, girl. Dang. You always take too long to throw it back,"

Lisa said.

She and Ned were my only two playmates. Of the two, she resented me the most

for acting like a girl.

"Yea, Tre. Keep the game going," Ned added. He never challenged her on

anything.

At their request, and with all my might, I hurled the ball back towards Lisa. She

ran in towards where she thought it would fall and still missed the catch.

"Ugh!" Lisa grunted, rolling her eyes up. Ned put his head down.

"Trekela, why don’t you go play with somebody else," Lisa ordered.

That’s fine with me. I preferred watching TV to playing Lisa’s rough and tumble

games anyway. The preparations to fulfill her dreams of being a linebacker or

quarterback were brutal on my body.

Heading back towards the square, I bumped into my next door neighbors, Mr. and

Mrs. Wilson with their two kids Kayla and lil’ Mike.

"Careful!" Mr. Wilson shouted as I turned around in time to miss running into his

front. Always dressed business-like, he was one of the three men in the square.

"Sorry," I said.

Lil’ Mike favored Mr. Wilson, while Kayla looked like him around the eyes, but

had her mama’s pooched mouth.

"Hi Trekela! How’s your mother?" she asked, sounding like Mrs. Howell from

Gilligan’s Island.

"She’s okay."

"Tell her ‘hello’ for me, darling."

I walked in the house. "Hey mama."

Staring intently at the television, she ignored me. Reaching for the box of tissues

behind her head situated on the end table, she accidentally knocked over her glass of

wine.

"Damn!" She turned the glass back up in its upright position.

"I’ll get a towel. You want me to pour some more wine for you?"

"No no, Tre. Thanks anyway." She smiled faintly and focused back on her

program.

Before the spill caused the wooden table to buckle, I sopped it, trying not to

smudge the beveled-glass top. The purple wine looked a lot like grape juice. I wondered

if it tasted the same. There was enough wine still in the glass to see for myself.

Just as I lifted it to conduct my own taste test, without warning mama sat up from

her lounging position on the sofa, screaming to the top of her lungs. I jumped up and

dropped the glass, afraid of what she’d do to me for drinking alcohol.

"I’m sorry, mama."

"Burn him up! Burn his ass up!" She wildly encouraged a black-eyed Farrah

Fawcett to pour gasoline on the bed where her adoring husband lay totally at peace.

announcer said before cutting to a commercial.

Mama rushed past me into the bathroom. I fell on my hands and knees to scrub

the brown shag carpet. From the living room, I could hear her crying. After placing the

wet towel in the dirty clothes hamper in my bedroom, I went to the bathroom and tapped

lightly. "Mama, I’m sitting right outside the door if you need me, okay?"

More time passed, yet I still had no friends. Ned seemed in great company with

Lisa. The more I got to know her though, the less I liked her. She always had to have her

way. Whatever games we played, she picked. The toys we played with required her

blessing. I now understood why the other kids hated her. Since she was bigger than Ned

and me, and carried herself like a boy, we didn’t want trouble. I mean, we were still the

new kids in the square.

But that got old.

One day while sitting on Lisa’s steps shifting my focus back and forth between

Lisa and Ned to my left and the kickball game in the center of the square in front of me, I

noticed Lisa’s behavior changed for the worse.

"Ned, I told you to kick it straight," she fussed as she got down on her chest to

reach for the ball under the car.

"I can’t get it. My arm’s too short."

And belly too thick.

"Quit standing there looking stupid. Come get this ball. Dang, it’s your fault,"

Lisa ordered.

Ned obeyed.

"Crawl underneath, stupid. You’re shorter than me. I hope you do better next

time. ‘Cause if you don’t, you’ll be right back in this position." She shouted her

commands at Ned, bending forward to direct instead of kneeling down to assist.

From where I sat, I strained to hear if Ned defended himself. It didn’t matter. I

refused to sit by any longer letting her talk crazy to my little brother. I knew Lisa was

mean, but could she top the drama I’d bring?

"Lisa!" I yelled.

From the corner of my eye I saw the pitcher hold the kickball, temporarily halting

the game.

"Hold up, y’all," he loudly whispered.

"What? Why you screaming my name like you losing yo’ mind, girl?"

"Look, cow, I don’t appreciate you messin’ with my little brother!" I stood

defiantly on her steps daring her to make the next move.

"Who you callin’ a cow?" She challenged my unspoken dare with quick steps

toward me.

"I’m callin’ you a cow, you fat, yella’ heifah!" I screamed walking toward her,

too. In order for me to save face, I had to at least give the appearance that I was the

craziest.

"Uh-oh." The crowd murmured as they followed and eventually surrounded us.

We stood face to face, shouting and cussing each other out. Some of the

teenagers held our arms behind our backs so we couldn’t get to each other before time.

"Hold up, y’all. Let’s go ‘round the corner," one of the older kids suggested.

"Yea, ‘cuz we don’t want nobody’s mama tryin’ to stop this," said another one as

she held out her hand for her friend to give her five.

Everybody was pumped. They lead us around the corner, on the other side of the

washateria. I’m finally getting some attention. And I wanted to make sure to give them

their moneys’ worth. This could be my ticket in finally.

Once in position, they pulled two leaves off the bushes by the washateria. They

placed one on my shoulder and one on Lisa’s.

"Okay, whichever one a’ y’all is the baddest, knock the leaf off the other’s

shoulder."

Before she could finish giving the instructions, I knocked the leaf off Lisa’s

shoulder and went straight into a "windmill" all over her. Madness enveloped us.

Because I was so out of control, I couldn’t see a thing. Occasionally I felt my fist hit firm

flesh. Her body was like a microphone, sounding off with each punch landed. When my

licks came across more air than body, I looked up to check my position only to see people

rolling on the ground holding their stomachs laughing as Lisa sprinted home in tears.

At first, I felt sorry for her and ashamed of what I’d done. But that was short

lived, especially after I realized there were hands all over me, patting me on the back,

trying to give me high five and so on.

"Trekela, you can fight girl!"

"I bet that bitch won’t bother you no mo’."

How’d they know my name?

"Trekela, where you from?"

"What grade you in?"

"You know how to play jacks?"

The questions came faster than I was able to respond. So I said nothing, just

continued to huff and puff, relishing in the moment.

Eventually, the crowd broke. Surprisingly, the older girls stayed around. Keisha

and Erika were the ringleaders.

"Come on, Trekela. Let’s go sit on yo’ steps," Keisha said.

"Wait a minute." Erika stood in front of me straightening my clothes and stroking

my hair back into place. "There you go. We don’t want any evidence of your wild side

to show through," she smirked.

We sat outside and talked for what seemed like hours. In that one conversation

though, I got the skinny on everybody. Talking to them made me see how nothing in this

complex is a secret. Eventually, it all comes out.

"Ooh, it’s hot as hell out here. Trekela, can we come in yo’ house?"

I couldn’t believe they wanted to come and hang out with me.

"Hold on. Let me ask my mama." I ran in the house all excited. I couldn’t tell

her about the fight though. She didn’t approve of fighting, even in self- defense. But that

policy wouldn’t work in the Village.

I knocked on her bedroom door and walked in. "Mama, can my friends come

inside to play some of my games?"

"Unh-unh, Tre. Y’all stay outside. I don’t feel like all that noise." She pulled the

covers over her head.

"Well, can I go to their house then?" I asked desperately searching for middle

ground. Now that some of the older girls accepted me, I needed to find a way to stay

down.

"No. You don’t know those people," she said, not bothering to lift her head from

underneath the covers to see in my face how important this was to me.

"Mama, please?" I begged, jumping up and down in the doorway of her room,

almost in tears.

"Tre, I said ‘no’. Now go sit down somewhere."

I went back outside embarrassed.

"Y’all I can’t have company right now. My mama don’t feel good."

"Damn. Well, you wanna come to our house?" Keisha offered.

"No, I can’t do that neither."

"Yo’ mama mean. But that’s cool. We’ll see you later." They all walked away. I

couldn’t tell if they felt sorry for me because of mama or because they couldn’t spend

more time with me. Either way, things were looking up. I was finally in.

Keisha and Erika proclaimed themselves "queens" of Foxwood. While Keisha

lived one section over from me, she always hung out in my square. Erika lived in a

whole other complex. I wondered why she stayed with Keisha on and off at times.

Looking at them you couldn’t tell they were cousins. Keisha, with skin the color of

midnight, reminded me of the African dancers that perform every year at Palm Center.

Chocolate, graceful and curvaceous. Erika, on the other hand, reminded me of a tomboy,

slightly on the thick side. Despite her blotchy light skin and glossy cat-eyes, she was still

easy to look at. Everything they did, I wanted to do. Everywhere they went I wanted to

go. We mostly hung out in my square, doing each other’s hair, listening to Love 94.1 FM

and talking. I learned so much from them, mostly about boys.

Both of them had boyfriends they talked about all the time. Shedrick and Milton.

Shedrick lived in the front part of our complex. Him and Keisha had been going together

since school started. Erika’s man Milton lived in Crestmont. I liked him the best. He

was cool with me, always treating me like I was part of the crew.

Now whenever Keisha or Erika put on lipgloss, that meant Shed or Milton would

be in the square some time that day. Watching them walk up was an event by itself. As

soon as they knew we noticed them, they’d break into their pop-locking routine, throwing

the wave back and forth to each other so they each had a moment in the spotlight. When

the routine got old and the spotlight dim, they’d laugh and give each other five, trying to

play off their little act.

"Look at them. Always showing out," said Keisha.

"Unh-huh. But you know them niggas can dance!" Erika said turning to Keisha

and me with both her hands out. We slapped them in agreement.

"Wait y’all, here they come. Act like you don’t see ‘em." We all stared into

space, looking around like nothing was happening.

"Oh so you gon’ act like you don’t see a nigga," Shedrick asked with his arms

extended. "Keisha, brang yo’ fine ass over here and give me some sugar."

At first she looked at him like he was crazy. Who did he think he was talking to

complete, she was in his arms, tongue kissing like nobody’s business. Milton, Erika and

me looked on wondering how long they were gonna act like we weren’t there. Milton

took Keisha’s seat on the steps, kissing Erika on the cheek, then reaching out to give me

five.

"What’s up, cuz?"

"What’s up, Milton," I shot back cool posed, trying to play down my giddiness.

"What’s up with you, lil’ mama? Over here actin’ all quiet and stuff. You ain’t

happy to see a brotha?"

He called it right. She was acting. When he’s not around that’s all she talks

about. Now that he’s in her face, she’s playing that role. Whatever.

Keisha and Shed finally came up for air from that sloppy looking kiss he planted.

Keisha wiped the smudged lipgloss from around her chin and up under her nose.

"What’s up, Shed," I said trying to sound cool and see if on this visit I had grown

on him, too.

"Hmmm? Oh yea, what’s up lil’ bit," he offered like he didn’t want to be rude,

but still didn’t wanna speak. Punk.

We sat on the steps for a while talking to each other. Well, Keisha, Erika and me

talked to each other, while Shed and Milton clowned amongst themselves. What was the

purpose of us sitting together if we didn’t share the same conversation? From the looks

of things, I was the only one concerned. Shed and Milton were cracking up over

something. Keisha and Erika ignored them.

"Say, why don’t we walk to the store? A nigga’ is thirstier than a mug, man."

Finally something smart from Shed’s mouth. I was tired of sitting on the steps

anyway. My butt hurt.

We walked to Sunny’s. Shed walked with his arm around Keisha’s neck and his

mouth in her ear the whole time, probably talking nasty. Erika and Milton walked real

close to each other, but didn’t touch. I felt like an outsider since I didn’t have a man.

Come to think of it, did they even ask me to tag along with them on their date? Dang.

When we got to the store, I realized I didn’t have any money. Keisha and Erika

were covered. But who’d cover me?

Oh well. I hung out in the front of the store by the cashier until they were ready

to go. The cashier looked familiar. I wanted to get a closer look, but I could see through

the big, round security mirror by the door that he was staring at me. Apparently he

thought he knew me, too.

"Want anything, Trekela?" Milton startled me from behind.

"That’s okay. I don’t want anything," I lied.

"Alright nah." He winked at me then walked off.

Erika was so lucky. I wanted a boyfriend like Milton. Tall, pecan-brown

colored-skinned, with thick, curly hair crowning the top of his head, he was what Auntie

called "easy on the eyes". He walked so tall and strong, like nothing could take him.

Above everything else though, he was just so nice, a real gentleman.

As we walked back, they discussed their plans for the evening.

"Say, there’s a party at SPN tonight. KJ from Love 94 is deejaying. You know

we gots to be there."

Leave it to Shed to plan something I couldn’t go to. He probably did it on

purpose. Didn’t seem to bother anyone else though. They lit up when they found out KJ

would be there.

"Ooh, Erika, let me wear yo’ black jeans with the matching tank."

"Nope! I ain’t even wore ‘em yet."

"Come on, Erika. Do me this one solid," Keisha begged.

After further negotiations, Erika consented. Keisha couldn’t contain her

excitement. She danced around doing booty movements.

"You so fast, Keisha," Erika said, shaking her head. "What am I gonna do with

you?"

"It’s getting late. We need to go get our stuff together. We’ll meet y’all at

Keisha’s place by 8:00 PM," Shed said. "Y’all better be ready on time, too."

"Unh-unh. Wait a minute. Hell no, you can’t come to my house. My mama’ll be

there," Keisha said remembering she wasn’t as grown as she thought. "We’ll meet y’all

at the front section. Then we’ll walk over to SPN together."

Shed sucked his teeth and looked at her, suddenly remembering the seven-year

age difference between them. "Damn. All right. We’ll see y’all at eight. You betta’ be

there on time, too. I don’t wanna have to kick yo’ ass." With that, he turned on his heels,

threw his hand in the air dismissing everybody. "Let’s roll, Milt." The two of them

disappeared with less buffoonery than earlier. It didn’t matter. The brothers still had

style.

"Why you let him talk to you like that," I overheard Erika ask Keisha as they

walked off to prepare for their evening.

"Shut up, Erika."

"Bye y’all," I yelled. They obviously forgot I was standing there. Neither of

them said anything back. I could see they were arguing. Later on they’ll kiss and

makeup. I know them. I went back in the house, dreaming of the day I’d be old enough

to go out. It wouldn’t come soon enough.

I turned the TV on. "What’s Happening" was almost over. Handsome, yet

slightly on the goofy side, Dwayne was my ideal man. I fantasized about never feeling

threatened with him as my boyfriend. I couldn’t picture him ever hurting a woman.

After "What’s Happening" went off, some white TV show came on. I don’t know

why the studio audience laughed so hard. Nothing they said or did was that funny. I

turned the TV off and went to the kitchen where mama cooked dinner. The frown on her

face indicated her head still hurt. Or, maybe she missed daddy.

"Mama, you need some help?"

"No," she said, not looking up.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yea," she said dryly, again, not facing me.

It seemed like forever since we left him. I wondered what was he doing right

now? Did he know where we were? If so, why didn’t he call?

Ned came in breathing hard, sweat pouring down his face. He’d just finished

racing. Knowing him, he came in last place. But that never stopped him from trying. He

went straight to the kitchen.

"Hey mommie," he smiled.

"Hey man," mama smiled back looking down at him. She hadn’t seen him all

day. "You hungry?"

"Yes, ma’am," he said, rubbing his stomach. Mama was amused by his gesture.

Watching them interact made me wish I had someone who thought I was special, too. I

missed Sis. Lightner. She was the only person I could think of who made me feel

treasured. When I entered a room she’d lean over to whoever was close and say ‘See

Sis. Lightner was an old lady who picked me up for Sunday School and church

every Sunday when we lived with my daddy. She wore a white nurse uniform with the

matching hat. I don’t know how she knew mama. She didn’t live in our complex and she

looked too old to work. Yet each Sunday, she’d come get me. Before walking into

church, she’d give me a peppermint candy.

"Don’t eat ya candy in church, baby, okay? You look so beautiful this morning.

You’re God’s special angel, you know that?" she said to me each Sunday.

And I believed her. There was something about the way she looked at me. She

had a real relationship with God. I wanted that for myself. I wanted that for my family.

Erika went back home. No telling when I’d see her again. But she’d be back.

So, Keisha and I started hanging out. I loved Keisha so much. I wished I could be just

like her. As we walked home from the store one time, we passed by Shed’s apartment in

front of the tennis court.

"Hold up, Trekela. Let’s stand here for a minute. I wanna see if Shed is gon’

come outside or not." We squatted behind some tall shrubbery, looking crazy. The

silence didn’t help. We were so obvious.

"What do you like about Shed?" I asked, wanting to know how someone as

beautiful as Keisha could settle for someone as trifling as Shed. He didn’t seem

anywhere near her level. Looking at them you couldn’t tell they’d have anything in

common, except their environment. Maybe that was enough.

"He’s sooo fine. Plus, he kisses real good. He’s the one who taught me how to

kiss. The boys at my junior high school are so immature. Their asses are still into

Matchbox cars. No ma’am. I need a real man. Everybody wants Shed. But he only

wants me."

I’d hoped for a more meaningful answer. You know, something that would

explain why we’re camped outside this nigga’s apartment hiding in the bushes. I still

wasn’t over him threatening to kick her ass for something as simple as being late to their

meeting spot. Even if she was late, she was worth the wait. But maybe he didn’t think

so. Or worse, she didn’t.

Shed built quite a reputation for himself with the ladies. Every baseball cap he

owned was branded with the playboy symbol. I never saw him with anyone other than

Keisha. But there were lengthy periods when we didn’t know where he was. Take for

instance, right now. Keisha was trying to play cool about it. I could tell she was

bothered, no hiding that. Moments like this reminded me Keisha was still a little girl

herself, trying desperately to play like she was grown. Right now, she was failing with a

capital "F".

"Trekela, I wanna tell you somethin’ because you’re like my best friend now."

Really?!# I went crazy with excitement on the inside, but I played it cool.

"Sure, Keisha. What’s up?"

"Chile, guess what Shed asked me?" she said with her mouth pursed and twisted.

Whatever it was, she wasn’t having it.

"That fool had the nerve to ask me when was I gon’ ‘prove’ my love to him. And

you know what that means."

Unh-huh. She was about to be grown for real.

"What should I do?"

"The way you was looking just a second ago, I thought your decision was made,"

I said attempting to sound mature. I gave my effort an "A".

"I don’t wanna lose him. I’ve never done it before, not all the way. I mean, I’ve

let niggas play with my titties and grind on me. But you can’t get pregnant from that."

This conversation was getting deep, too deep for me. My knees hurt from

squatting in the bushes. I took a seat on the dirt. Hopefully, it’ll wash off my clothes.

Being here with Keisha gave me another view of relationships. At this moment, they

didn’t seem worth all the trouble. Most of the time everything appeared cool. I wonder

how her mama feels about…never mind. I don’t even need to take that thought any

further. Hollywood lied to us everyday on TV with images of mothers and daughters

being able to talk openly. Humph.

Keisha joined me on the ground.

I knew Shed wasn’t worthy to receive what Keisha could only give once in her

life. Keisha was smart enough to see through him. Why was this decision so difficult for

her? I hated being the one to tell her the right thing to do.

"In my opinion," I said, "you should go ahead and do it."

Far be it from me to do what I hate.

"Really?" Keisha asked, holding on to every word that came from my lips.

"Unh-huh. I would," I lied.

She let out a sigh of relief. We looked at each other, looked up at our immediate

surroundings and fell out laughing. Enough of this mess. We got up from the dirt, dusted

our shorts off, and walked back to the square chatting about nothing. As we cut through

the parking lot, a car came up slowly alongside us, blasting music. We tried to play it off,

but whoever this was wanted us to notice. The car pulled up enough for us to sneak a

peek through the passenger window. We looked inside on the sly. It was the cashier

from Sunny’s, the corner store. I knew I recognized him. He lives in the back section of

the complex. He exchanged knowing glances with Keisha. There was history between

them.

But I didn't wanna know it.